One of Those Days…

This is a bit of a vent post.  Last year I felt like I had a really great year professionally and felt like I grew a lot.  I tried new lessons and had established a classroom that worked really well.  My students worked well together and learned a lot.  It was the first time I knew that I was the one making the impact and could see the results of what I was trying.  I was focused and had momentum with my instruction.  I was SO positive about the year and going into the next year.

This year, a whole 13 days in, I just feel out of focus.  For the first time in 6 years of teaching first grade, last year was the first year I was the only adult in my classroom, barring some minimal services.  Don’t get me wrong, I love working with students who need my support the most, after all I have degrees in literacy and special education.  I think I do good work in those positions.  And I have learned SO much from some wonderful support persons and teammates.  But goodness, my year last year made me realize how crazy a classroom can get when you are teaming with a gazillion adults.  I feel like I am a plate spinner and have to keep those plates spinning. There is always at least 1 adult and at times 3-4 in my room when I am teaching. I am feeling like I am on stage performing and am feeling lacking.  It is amazing how, after building my self-confidence for a year, I feel like I am starting all over again. 

My schedule has been determined, literally, by my service providers.  I have no flexibility over any timing – from snack to when I have recess, it is all locked in tight.  I almost cried when I had yet another person show up to schedule social skills lessons – a new thing this year.  I know I could not do the job on my own that I can do with all of these wonderful folks to help, but my ability to feel like I am teaching for my students is seriously compromised because of what all the adults need to do. 

My lessons are orchestrated for the support people coming in.  I remember one year when I actually did writing 3 separate times (formal instruction, writing workshop, and journals) one day a week to accommodate OT, Speech, and a special education teacher.  Another year, I had 4 teachers – one at each table, during my writing time.  Why do we even need the general education teacher in the room at that point?  The planning is never enough.  I can’t possibly plan enough with every support person to give them a clear picture of exactly what I am doing in my classroom.  Sometimes you just hope for the best.

I am sitting here thinking that I am exhausted.  I am not sleeping for the stress on my shoulders.  My mind is spinning because I constantly have someone (meaning an adult someone) asking a question, making a suggestion, or telling me something that I really need to know (I have literally been carrying around a clipboard to write on because my brain is full – please don’t stop me in the hallway or track me down during my lunch to tell me that I have a phone message).  My creativity is a big fat zero because I can’t even wrap my mind around my day, let alone create wonderful and exciting learning experiences. I need to spend so much more time in my room and planning, but I am trying to have a life again.  Ten years of living more for my job than myself has made me realize that I need to find myself outside of teaching again.

So here I am wondering how am I going to make it through this year and do the best I can for all of my students? How can I love what I am doing? How can I find my creativity again?  How can I make our days exciting and spark my students’ love for learning? I’m sure it will all work out in time.  Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! Next week is a new week and I can try all over again.